As my dad mentioned, I visited last weekend - very grateful that I got to say goodbye. I think Mom was lucid for at least a few moments when I was with her. What I'd like to do here is share a short story from when she was better. It's one of my last really nice memories with her. I don't remember a ton of it, and didn't really think it was significant at the time, but I suppose that's how these things go.
My mother had started experiencing symptoms that required trips into Manhattan to visit doctors (neurologists, maybe?). I think it was spring break (the weather was nice) and I was home from college and I drove her into the city to see the doctor. Because my general priorities at that time were optimized for lounging around the house all day instead being useful (see also: taking out the trash, doing the dishes), I remember being annoyed. I figured it was just some passing symptom and she was overreacting, and rolled my eyes at the whole ordeal.
The doctor took forever and I watched a movie on my imitation ipod touch (Wedding Crashers, I'm pretty sure). When she got out we just kinda wandered around for a while. She explained in more detail what she was going through and I started to take it more seriously. We grabbed lunch at an Indian restaurant (sidebar: I will forever be grateful that my parents fed me plenty of diverse foods growing up) and then walked over to a playground and sat down for a bit -- she was a little tired. In my memory there were nannies and parents playing with their kids on swing sets, but I'm pretty sure that's just a scene from a movie that wiggled its way into my brain and is pretending to be a memory now. We talked for a while more and then headed home. There's not much of an ending to the story, which is maybe part of the point, but it was one of the last times we really had a conversation together. It was a simple, lovely afternoon.
[ fyi: my timing might be a little off -- maybe dad can correct it if he remembers the trip :) ]
Ryan, I have to let you know that my many thoughts, and my heart is with you. Such an unimaginable nightmare! Your Mother's constant concern was you and your dad. What LOVE! What STRENGTH! I do not know of another person on this earth that was so determined or had such drive. And I would assure her that you, also, have that strength! That you have a lifetime of wonderful memories made just for you, by her! She will alway be right there with you in your thoughts, in your heart and in LOVE! Love you, Mary Beth
ReplyDeleteYour Mother is always with you. She is the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick, the smell of life itself. She's the cool and on your brow when you're not feeling well. She's your breath in the air on a cold winter day. She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. She's the place you came from, your first home and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space... Not even death.
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Ryan. RyRy.... Mommy Margarita here. Heard from Julia. And spoke with your dad this morning. The thought that my kids would remember me in these simple warm loving moments, sitting and talking, eating Indian food, is wonderful. Your mom always loved you for who you are, not for what she thought you should be. She relished on being your mommy. And she was Mommy Debbie to John and Julia. I am so saddened about her passing but once again inspired, as she did this on her terms. Oh Ryan. I hope to hug you soon.
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