Saturday Open House

I've gotten so many emails that offer help.

I wonder if there are any NJ or NYC people coming?  If yes, then send me an email.  I'm looking for someone to make a bagel run.  I used to see the lenders bagels come into the house so after I dropped Deb at the doctors, I'd make a quick run to a bagel store, if I could find one in the time she had an appointment.

There is no bagel like the ones I used to get from Hot Bagels Abroad or any number of other similar establishments.  Let me know if you 1) can bring up a couple of bags, 2) give me the phone number so I can order a bag or two of our favorites.

I think there can be no more appropriate table spread than one that includes bagels.

Thanks in advance,
RC

PS, At a new years day party once, Deb put a 2 inch schmear on her bagel taking the last of the cream cheese.  I poked her and told her to leave some for the rest of us.  Without 2 inches, it isn't a bagel, don't worry, Cathy will have more, she says.  Sure enough, 2 minutes later Cathy Clark came in with another 12" brick and put it out.  I was still wet behind the ears.  I never did learn all the ins and outs of NY etiquette.

Try this experiment in NYC:  At the deli counter, tell them you want a buttered bagel.  You get a hot bagel with a 2" slab of butter melting on your hand.  I was a butter boy in a cream cheese land.

Baby Shower

I was in on the preparations for Deb's baby shower.  Kathy was her commuting buddy.  20 minutes to Hoboken on the NJ Transit train and another 20 or so on the Path train.  5 days a week, 40 or 50 weeks a year for around 5 years.  She had a special bond with Kathy.  So Kathy, who lived in a house built for parties, hosted and did all the heavy lifting.

Back the clock up to Deb's first month of pregnancy.  We (yes, that was the Royal We) decided to move our office to the attic to accommodate the crib, etc.  So every weekend was spent preparing the attic.

The day of the shower, I told her I was tired and wanted a day off.  A DAY OFF???  We don't have time on the schedule for that, get going, blah, blah, blah.  There is no time for dawdling.  It was dirty up there so we generally skipped a morning shower, put on dirty clothes and cleaned up in the evening.

Deb is in sweats.  Ladies, I learned that going out with out proper support high and low is not something that is done lightly, except with your closest friends.  Baggy sweats let certain parts giggle below the belt and a wearing ONLY a loose sweatshirt only accentuates (for me) a certain other pair of assets.

Knowing she had her shower to attend meant I needed her to be showered, dressed for going out, quaffed maybe even some lipstick.  She was having none of that.  Attic, attic, attic.

When the call came in, I gave her the phone, Kathy asked her to stop by.  Deb climbed down the stairs and ran 2 doors down to find out what Kathy wanted.  2 minutes later she was back, to make herself presentable.  I didn't have to mention that she should have listened to me.

Deb loved a party.  To walk in the charwoman, see all her friends and then make a quick exit I don't think bothered her - in fact being the butt of a good natured joke, like being totally surprised was part of her good nature.  I believe she was then very excited to get ready and get over there as quickly as possible.

Quick Memory

As my dad mentioned, I visited last weekend - very grateful that I got to say goodbye. I think Mom was lucid for at least a few moments when I was with her. What I'd like to do here is share a short story from when she was better. It's one of my last really nice memories with her. I don't remember a ton of it, and didn't really think it was significant at the time, but I suppose that's how these things go.

My mother had started experiencing symptoms that required trips into Manhattan to visit doctors (neurologists, maybe?). I think it was spring break (the weather was nice) and I was home from college and I drove her into the city to see the doctor. Because my general priorities at that time were optimized for lounging around the house all day instead being useful (see also: taking out the trash, doing the dishes), I remember being annoyed. I figured it was just some passing symptom and she was overreacting, and rolled my eyes at the whole ordeal.

The doctor took forever and I watched a movie on my imitation ipod touch (Wedding Crashers, I'm pretty sure). When she got out we just kinda wandered around for a while. She explained in more detail what she was going through and I started to take it more seriously. We grabbed lunch at an Indian restaurant (sidebar: I will forever be grateful that my parents fed me plenty of diverse foods growing up) and then walked over to a playground and sat down for a bit -- she was a little tired. In my memory there were nannies and parents playing with their kids on swing sets, but I'm pretty sure that's just a scene from a movie that wiggled its way into my brain and is pretending to be a memory now. We talked for a while more and then headed home. There's not much of an ending to the story, which is maybe part of the point, but it was one of the last times we really had a conversation together. It was a simple, lovely afternoon.

[ fyi: my timing might be a little off -- maybe dad can correct it if he remembers the trip :) ]

Arrangements

I have been helped these last few hours.  Mary Beth gathered the pertinent info for an obit.  The mortician has come and gone.  People are calling but I'm in all likelihood going to let it go to voice mail.  

I'm planning an open house where I'll do the equivalent of sitting Shiva.  My intent is to talk to anybody who stops by.  It'll be on January 28 and don't come before 10 and by 6 I should be totally drained.  I hate to post directions on the internet, so if you need them, email me at debs@guitarcarver.com - I made a separate mailbox so I could respond more easily.  

I don't expect everybody to drop it all and run up here.  I'll be happy to host you later or even to meet you half way or if it's Jersey, I could be talked into visiting the old neighborhoods.  I'll probably need excuses to get away on day trips.  

Anybody who needs lodging, I can find a bed.  We've got plenty.

This is a whirlwind for me so forgive me in advance for leaving anybody out.  Tell anybody who'd be interested.  

She's gone

Peacefully.   The reality of it is so much worse than the theoretical it's been. 

Deb's a good sport and I can prove it

In preparing for our wedding (in 1985) I had but one thing to do.  Reserve a hotel the night of the wedding so leave for the honey moon from in the morning.

I had an fool proof plan.  We'd get dropped at the hotel across from La Guardia air port, in the morning I'd go across the street and rent a car and off we'd go to the Modanock Mountains in New Hampshire.

A week before I walked in to the Pan American Hotel and asked to make a reservation.  The lobby had marble tiles, a water fountain and it was decorated kind of Mediterranean.   I asked for a room and he said, "Are you sure?"  and I said "Well, yes..."  he made the reservation and I let him run my credit card.

The whole day whizzed by me so fast I was amazed.  I met people I'd never seen before and had to make associations from the neighborhood, from the music industry (her father's work) from the majong players and family and so on.  The wedding was a blur.  Which came into focus at the hotel afterwards.  And for those leering, get your mind out of the gutter.

My friends drove us and helped with the bags.  No bell hops at this hour and as you'll soon see, at all.

We got our key and opened the door to the hall and stopped dead.  Every door on the 1000 foot hallway had a pad lock on it.  I had checked us into a welfare hotel.  It's where the city put up people who had nowhere to go and a situation requiring some aide.

Deb was mortified, to say the least.  My friends didn't know what to say.  It was very, very awkward.

And we had an envelope full of cash and checks.

In New York, if I might generalize, cash is a very normal gift.  Deb used to say we had to "cover our plate" when we went to a wedding.  We were spending the night in a hotel who's occupants felt it necessary to padlock their doors when they left.

We spent the night and did fine.  What can you do about it at 1am, dead dog tired and about to loose your transportation and our own apartment was full of travelers?  We lent our car to my parents.  Our friends were going to Manhattan to visit the city that never sleeps.  Or maybe that was her cousins.  Like a said, it was mostly a blur for me.

How many women do you know who spent their wedding night in a welfare hotel and wasn't permanently mad at her husband?  Or at least found opportunities to give him the business?  Well, this was another episode that took her a while to fully own.  Although she probably told it more like David Letterman's stupid human tricks episodes.

I've got to say, good sport doesn't do her justice.

Still Resting

She's a junkie now.  So much morphine, hourly now, that about all I can say is she's resting comfortably.  She was lucid and happy that Ryan had visited.

Ryan was not so happy.  It was hard for him.  Fortunately he has Jenny who is looking out for him and giving him A-1 care.  Go Jenny!

As a sidenote, you all don't need to post stories as comments.  There's a post button up top that gives you a spot to write in.